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Trained in
Collaborative
Divorce
sm
model
Trained in
Collaborative
Divorce
sm
model
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SOMEDAY, MAYBE THERE WILL EXIST A WELL-INFORMED, WELL-CONSIDERED, AND YET FERVENT PUBLIC CONVICTION THAT THE MOST DEADLY OF ALL POSSIBLE SINS IS THE MUTILATION OF A CHILD’S SPIRIT. ERIK ERIKSON |
These
patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
They may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand
codependence and may aid those who have been in recovery a while in determining
what traits still need attention and transformation. Denial
Patterns: I
have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. I
minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel. I
perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of
others. Low
Self-Esteem Patterns: I
have difficulty making decisions. I
judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough". I am
embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts. I do
not ask others to meet my needs or desires. I
value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviors over my own. I do
not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person. Compliance
Patterns: I
compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger. I am
very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same. I am
extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. I
value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am often afraid to
express differing opinions and feelings of my own. I put
aside by own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want. I
accept sex when I want love. Control
Patterns: I
believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves. I
attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they
"truly" feel. I
become resentful when others will not let me help them. I
freely offer others advice and directions without being asked. I
lavish gifts and favors on those I care about. I use
sex to gain approval and acceptance. I
have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
ALL OR NOTHING Looking at things in absolute black and white categories,
"Either/Or" thinking. OVERGENERALIZATION Viewing a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of
defeat. "Always" and "Never" thinking. MENTAL FILTER Dwelling on one negative detail, so your vision of an entire
situation becomes dark and cloudy, like the drop of ink that discolors an entire
glass of water. SELF-DISCOUNT Insisting that your own positive qualities or accomplishments
"don’t count". Difficulty with accepting compliments. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS Mind Reading: You assume that you know what someone else is
thinking or feeling, and you react as if it were true. Fortune Telling: You predict a future where things can’t change
or turn out badly. Creating your own Soap Opera. CATASTROPHIZING Blowing things out of proportion, shrinking your importance. Role
playing the "King or Queen of Tragedy". EMOTIONAL REASONING Reasoning from feelings. "I feel like a failure, therefore, I
am a failure." SHOULDS "Should", "must", "ought to" and
"have to" come from a parent or authority figure. "Should"
means "I don’t want to, but THEY are making me." Adults don’t have
"shoulds". SELF LABELING Identifying with your shortcomings and mistakes, calling yourself
names like "stupid", "loser", "jerk" or
"fool", instead of pinpointing the cause of the problem so you can
learn from it, or try to correct it. PERSONALIZING BLAME Blaming yourself for something you weren’t entirely responsible for, or how someone else feels. Conversely, you may blame other people, external events, or fate, while overlooking how your own attitudes and behavior may have contributed to a problem. TOXIC
INTIMACY vs HEALTHY INTIMACY
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